304 - Supporting the “Becoming” of Others in Therapy with Santiago Delboy

Dec 3

“I think that's very challenging, making room for difference, which means making room for the anxieties that difference creates and being able to tolerate that.” - Santiago Delboy

In a nod to the educational children's shows of old, this episode is brought to you by the word "becoming." Part two of my conversation with Santiago Delboy, MBA, LCSW, explores the art of becoming, a process he defines as connecting with our authentic self.

But how do we champion those explorations in folks whose identities differ from our own? Doesn’t familiarity breed comfort? Yes, and… Santiago recommends nurturing a deep appreciation for difference even as we seek solace in similarity. "It’s such a central part of the work that we do," he says. "It's the work of supporting people's becoming."

The reframe, which is by no means an easy task, has transformed Santiago’s personal and professional points of view. Before pursuing a career as a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and founder of Fermata Psychotherapy, a psychoanalytic group practice in Chicago, Santiago spent over a decade climbing the corporate ladder in the US and his home country of Peru. The shift forced him to grapple with the “disagreeable” parts of himself.

"It's this becoming that, hopefully through the work, is gonna be rooted not in whatever expectations or pressures have been internalized and have shaped who you are, or limit the range of possibilities that you could see for yourself (whether consciously or not), but that is coming, really, from within," Santiago says. He asserts that as therapists engage in their self-work, they develop a greater capacity to support others on their intrapersonal journeys.

It's taken me 46 years to appreciate difference, to gain access to parts of me that can truly hold contrasts rather than refusing to investigate the tensions. And still, I’m not a good fit with everyone. Santiago acknowledges the role that compatibility plays in therapy. "It makes sense, particularly for marginalized communities, to want someone who might ‘get it.’”

As challenging or discomforting as infinite variety is, history has shown that too much similarity can be detrimental to our evolution. Santiago agrees. ”If that is what it takes for us to become, for us to be in this world, to find sameness, then that's a very small world.”

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

The Enneagram

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GUEST CONTACT & BIO

Fermata Psychotherapy

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Santiago Delboy, MBA, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and founder of Fermata Psychotherapy, a psychoanalytic group practice in Chicago. He has provided clinical supervision and consultation at the Chicago Center for Psychoanalysis, the Institute for Clinical Social Work, and The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Prior to becoming a clinician, he spent over a decade working in the corporate world in Peru, his home country, and the U.S. His publications include essays in Psychoanalytic Dialogues, Psychoanalytic Inquiry, Revista de la Sociedad Peruana de Psicoanálisis, Aeon, and Psychology Today.

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